The Scorpion King...er, Queen...

Guess what excitement we had last week? Can you guess by the title of this blog post??

Yep, that's right. Olivia got stung by a scorpion last Thursday.

We had had dinner at home (chicken piccata with pasta, which I thought was tasty but Olivia and Pat poo-pooed. Even in the midst of a nationwide food supply shortage, they still manage to tell me they hate my cooking), and had leftovers so we decided to take some to a neighbor and leave it on her porch. Since she only lives two blocks away, we decided to walk. We were on our way back, about 3 houses away from home, when Olivia started screaming:

"AAAAAAAAHHHHH! I've been stung by a scorpion!"

Fucking a.

Pat scooped her up and I ran back to the house to find some Benadryl. We iced her big toe (she had been wearing flip flops when we were walking and that's where she got stung) and Pat applied some of the Benadryl cream while I grabbed a black light to look for the little bugger. "It was so big Mama!" After searching the path we had walked on for a few minutes, I found the little f*cker. And it was a bigger than average one. I knew Pat would want to see it so instead of squashing it I went back to the house and called poison control while he went out to look for it.

Fortunately, poison control calmed me down - 30 minutes had passed, and her breathing was fine, so they assured me she wasn't having an allergic reaction. They informed me that she could have pain anywhere on her body since scorpion venom can jump neural pathways - as in, Olivia got stung on her right big toe, but an hour later she might have intense pain in her left shoulder. Weird, right? They also said not to ice it. Oops. They suggested using a cold pop can instead to kind of cool it down. As I'm hanging up with poison control, my husband walks back in and loudly declares, "I didn't see a scorpion. I don't think she got stung."

Um...what? Our child shrieked and started screaming uncontrollably all of a sudden, I went back and told you I saw a scorpion in the EXACT LOCATION where Olivia freaked out, and you're not going to believe either of us because you personally couldn't find the bug?

To say I was irritated by this assertion would be an understatement.

I mean, none of us can physically see this virus that's wreaking havoc on our nation right now, but we (most of us anyway) believe it exists, amiright?? Obviously I chose to ignore my husband's erroneous opinion and slept with Olivia that night to make sure she was ok. She slept like a champ and when poison control called to follow up the next morning they said the tingliness that she still felt in her toe would go away by mid-afternoon, and it did. I'm glad we know now that our kid isn't allergic to scorpion stings, but here's a PSA to all the bugs out there: If y'all could just chill for a bit until this pandemic is over that would be swell. Not trying to add any extra drama to our lives right now. Thanks a bunch.

I hope everyone reading this is staying bug bite-free! 

BK

Hello! It's been a few days since I've posted, mostly because I've had internet & computer issues. The Gateway computer that I bought from Target for barely $300 six years ago seems to not connect to the internet more than it does connect these days...shocker, right?? 

Over here on Lindl Dr we've been obedient U.S. citizens and have not gone anywhere other than Burger King this week. And man, let me tell you how excited Olivia and I were to go to BK yesterday! Mind you, our local BK is approximately 1/10 of a mile from our house. We could walk there. However, since only the drive thru is open, we drove. You would have thought it was both of our last meals based on how much we talked about our lunch yesterday morning:

9:15 am: "Mom! Is it time to go to Burger King yet?!?"

9:52 am: "Mom, I'm getting hungry...is Burger King open yet?"

10:37 am: "Mom, I'm SO excited to leave the house and go to Burger King!"

...and on and on and on until we finally went. Olivia and I split a Whopper and french fries and chicken fries. It was glorious. It was a big deal to have to put on shoes (um, and maybe a bra for one of us...) to leave the house. So far my 8 YO has dealt with not getting to leave the house pretty well, though. I've let her FaceTime friends, and we've used Zoom for guitar lessons, dance class and with her classroom teacher, so I think that's been helping. These elementary kids are going to be Zoom experts by the end of this quarantine, because as one kid in her class said today, very dryly, "This is like my 4th Zoom meeting today..." Ha! Sounds like he's ready for corporate America!

Today is Thursday...I think? The days really are blending together. Plans for the rest of the week include half-hearted attempts at teaching my child (I decided we are going to study a different musician every day - today is Stevie Wonder, Friday might be Tupac...ha), catching up on The Masked Singer, & weeding my front yard. What are the items you plan on crossing off your quarantine To Do list this week?

Scott 1000

Happy Friday, y'all! Everyone have an enlightened day at home where we used this free time to better ourselves by doing workout videos, reading self-improvement books, & teaching spelling and math lessons to our darling children? Yeah me neither.

I did manage to accomplish a few things: cleaned a dirty glass shower door, dusted my stair railings (with - gasp! - Olivia's help...she actually did it without complaining), & cleaned up dog droppings in the backyard. We did leave the house to drive to the library to attempt to return overdue books but even the drop-off box was closed, but bonus for me - no late fees this month! Yay! (Note: the very first time I borrowed books from our local library I incurred $9 in late fees. And that was only for like 4 books. Returning things on time is not my one of my best attributes.)

One positive thing that happened today is that I realized I have a new favorite household product that I wanted to tell you all about. It actually used to be a product I hated but in our current state of affairs, it has now become one of my faves. Any guesses as to what it is?

Scott 1000 single-ply toilet paper.

One of my weaknesses when shopping (which I love to do; see previous posts) is a BOGO deal. Or, as Target cleverly does, a "Buy 2-4 products of a certain brand, get a $5-$10 gift card to Target FREE!" deal. I fall for this EVERY TIME. Me: "Well, I certainly will always use Kleenex/toilet paper/laundry detergent/candles/insert any other item...and they'll never go bad...so yeah, I might as well buy 17 of them now so I can get a measly $5 gift card that I will later forget I have! I am so smart!" So naturally when I saw this very same deal on Scott 1000 toilet paper several months ago I had to take advantage. I threw 2 packs of 15 rolls into my cart (without really reading anything else on the package) and went along my merry way.

Fast forward a couple of weeks to when we started actually using it. Daughter: "Mom! This toilet paper is crappy!" (pun intended...she's got a good sense of humor) Husband: "This is the cheapest toilet paper ever known to mankind. Please don't ever buy it again." Yes, folks, it is single ply. And there are 1000 squares of it on every roll. You know what that means? It lasts FOREVER.

A month ago my in laws came to visit, and while I put the "good" Cottonelle TP in their guest bathroom, I had to put the Scott 1000 in the only bathroom we have on our main level. This toilet paper is so thin that I actually apologized for it to them. "I'm so sorry for the TP downstairs guys...it is the WORST! I bought it because it was on sale, but never again!"

I'm pretty sure that wherever you are while you're reading this right now there is a toilet paper shortage. I still have almost a full pack of my Scott 1000, plus a small bundle of another brand...and I kind of feel like I've won the lottery. Yes, we are going to be in our home more than usual for the next several weeks/months/please-God-not-years, but I still think that even if we can't find any toilet paper in the stores for a while (and Pat decides it's not worth risking getting fired to "borrow" some from Frito-Lay), we'll be ok. Because I swear this stuff multiplies overnight.

So Scott 1000 officially has my business now even after the hoarders stop buying out every single roll of TP and I have my pick of softer stuff. My SIL texted me when the TP shortage first began and said, "I bet you're glad you have that cheap toilet paper now!" Yes. Yes I am.

I'm baaaaack!

Once upon a time, in 2014, my family and I went on a road trip. Two adults, 1 toddler, and 2 middle-aged canines embarked on an adventure in a tin can on wheels to visit family in Wyoming and Montana and check off some "must see" tourist spots along the way (Mount Rushmore, Devil's Tower, etc.). Lots of windshield time = a bored Steph, so I decided to blog about our trip. Funny things happened and I wrote about them. People told me they liked reading it, or so they said.

Fast forward to 2020, when, as I overheard someone say the other day, "we were supposed to have flying cars right now...instead we're teaching people how to wash their hands." Now, lots of time at home = a bored Steph, so what does that mean? I'm bringing back the blog!

I named this blog "Steph's Road Trip Revue" 6 years ago. I'm going to leave the title as that. Oh, the irony...

This coronavirus pandemic is like nothing any living human being has experienced before. You know the saying, "if only there were more hours in the day?" Well, that's basically what we all just got. A lot more time. I'm trying to look at this self quarantine situation positively. Even if you are working from home, at least your commute time has been cut to zero, hence more time in the day for other things. I know boredom has already begun to set in for most people, so I hope that reading my blog posts makes you laugh or breaks up your day for even just a few minutes. I know I need a break from listening to my kid talk endlessly about Minecraft bs that I don't care about and I bet you do too.

So check back here daily to read about my family's latest shenanigans and how we're dealing with being holed up in our house for the foreseeable future. Oh, and for those of you with kids...there WILL be cursing in the blog. You have been warned.

Camping by the numbers: A summary (& the lessons we learned)

Well, folks, we made it.  Home, that is.  I am typing this last post from the comfort of my own kitchen, sipping a cup of Dunkin' Donuts coffee while Olivia watches Super Why.  Life is back to normal.  Well, sort of - Pat's company car wouldn't start this morning, but that is fairly normal too since this is the 3rd time in less than a year that we will have to have it towed.  Don't ever buy a C Max.

But I digress...the trip home was, as you might expect, LONG.  I had a pretty good attitude about it considering it was the 3rd consecutive day that we spent in a car, and I tried my best to keep my driver entertained - I read a children's book about the 50 states aloud to him, I sang out loud to Johnny Cash, I looked up random trivia facts on my iPhone (did you know that in a room of 23 people there is a 50% chance of at least 2 people having the same birthday?  It's called the "birthday paradox" and I actually remember learning about it in a college stats class - look it up).  Olivia actually hardly needed to be entertained - she literally watched the same "Olivia" DVD the entire ride home.  9 hours of hearing the same theme song music over...and over...and over.  But hey, whatever.  If she was happy, I was happy.  But even with perfect driving weather and road conditions (no contstruction!  How is that even possible in the Midwest in the summer?!?), we were soooo ready to get out of the car when we finally pulled into the driveway.  Olivia literally screamed and clapped her hands when she saw our house:  "YAY!  We're HOME!  Ahhhhhhhh!"  And she ran around the house singing, "I'm so happy to be HOME!" for at least 10 minutes.

Would you like to know how far we traveled on this trip when it was all said and done?  Curious as to how many beers we drank (spoiler: too many to count)?  Here is a look at our camping trip when you break it down:

Miles driven:  3,014

Hours on the road:  47

Dollars spent on gas:  $1,000 (ish)

Number of times I shaved my legs in 10 days:  2

Number of times I used a blow dryer in 10 days:  0

Number of times my brother-in-law Paul blew a fuse because he blew his hair dry EVERY DAY:  1  (his hair did look better than mine)

Fast food meals eaten:  7

Glasses of wine drank:  unsure.  That's the beauty of boxed wine!

Pounds gained:  3.2  (2.4 lbs for Pat; 0.8 lbs for me - I think this is a win considering the fast food and wine numbers above)

Number of times Olivia peed through her pants and onto her car seat:  5

Loads of laundry done from the road:  5

Pairs of shoes I brought:  3  (this is absolutely amazing considering how much I love shoes.  I actually meant to bring a few more pairs but forgot to toss them in the morning we left...turns out 3 pairs was enough)

National Monuments visited:  2

Number of times I cooked anything:  0  (I know!! Unbelievable, right? Makes the whole trip worth it for that alone!)


"You know what was fun about our trip?  Cramming 3 humans and 2 dogs into a 200 sq foot box and bumping into each other all the time!  And constanting putting up and taking down the pack 'n play for our kid!"...said no one ever.  On our drive home yesterday, we reflected on what to do differently the next time we go on a long road trip.   Here's what we came up with:

1) Leave the dogs at home.  Or at least Buddy.  He is basically as big as a person.  Imagine having to navigate around a 100 lb. person on all fours in an RV all the time.  Yeah, not fun.

2) Olivia will sleep in her own bed above the cab and we won't have to constantly disassemble and reassemble the dining area to accommodate her pack 'n play.  'Nuff said.

3) Bring extra RV parts that might be difficult to find on the road.

4) Bungee cord the crap out of all of the cupboards.

5) And most importantly, BE PATIENT.  Everything takes longer in an RV; and by that I mostly mean getting to your destination and finding a place to park.  I think overall I get a pretty good grade on this one for this trip but next time my expectations will be different so I have a more patient attitude from the beginning.

So that's it.  Back to real life, which is comforting but also means I have to start wearing make-up again.  Bleh.  I hope you enjoyed reading this blog as much as I enjoyed writing it.  Cheers!

"Take me home, country road..."

Well, this trip is finally coming to an end. FINALLY. I am not kidding when I say I feel like we have been on the road for weeks, maybe even months. And the trip is ending the way it began - eating McDonald's in the car (for the last time in my entire life, I swear - if I ever see an Egg McMuffin again I am going to vomit).

I know I skipped a post yesterday, but I had absolutely zero energy when we finally made it to New Ulm. So here's what you missed:

North Dakota proved to be everything I thought it would be: flat, brown, and boring. If I never set foot (or a tire) in it again, I will be perfectly content. Sorry ND...I tried to be nice, just like you told me to on your billboards. But it's the end of a long road trip and nice just isn't my first priority at this point.

After we made a quick stop in Fargo yesterday to fuel up - and I saw a grown @ss man wearing pants with Cookie Monster all over them, not lying - we said good bye to North Dakota and charged on into Minnesota. A couple of hours into MN and we were STARVING. And Olivia was losing her mind, screaming about how much her bottom hurt. We finally found a place to stop in a town called Lake Henry - the place was barely lit and was the sort of restaurant that doesn't actually have menus, just a board on a wall, even though it's a sit down restaurant. I was very skeptical of eating anything other than peanuts from this joint, but you know what? The food was KILLER. I got a Philly cheesesteak sandwich and Pat got a burger, and they both blew us away. So if you're ever in Lake Henry, MN, stop at the Sportsman's Den and grab a bite. It's worth it.

After another hour and a half, we had finally made it to our last destination before home - New Ulm. Pat cleaned the RV out while Olivia and I went shopping downtown. We went to Lambrecht's, one of my favorite stores in New Ulm...and one of the worst to bring a toddler to. It's a store full of all sorts of beautiful glass home decor items. 10 minutes in and Olivia broke a glass ornament. Oops. We said hello to our friend Lisa and then hightailed it outta there before she broke something else.  My SIL brought over BLTs for dinner and we chatted until it was time for Olivia to go to bed. You know what I hate about summer? And especially summers in the north? The fact that it stays light out until 10:00 p.m. Growing up, I thought this was awesome. Now that I am a parent I wish it was pitch black outside at 6:00. Every single night of this trip has been a battle to get Olivia to fall asleep, even though she's absolutely exhausted, and a lot of it has to do with the fact that she can still see what's going on around her. Last night was no different. But after she finally went down, Pat and I hung out with Uncle Mike for a bit before retiring to our camper for the LAST TIME.

We woke up late this morning because Pat forgot to charge his phone overnight, threw the last of our junk in our truck and took off, St Louis-bound. As I'm typing this, we passed an RV on the road and Pat pointed at them and laughed and said, "Suckers!" So I think he's ready to get home too. 

(Me and my pup snuggling for the last time in the RV)

(Yeah, she dressed herself)

(I am only smiling because the trip is almost over)

Tomorrow I will wrap this blog up with a "by-the-numbers" summary of the trip. How many times did I shave my legs in the past 10 days? Stay tuned to find out!

The long journey home - Day 1

Hello from Jamestown, ND! I'm posting late because a) I am at 90% of my cell phone data usage and am trying to not post from my phone from the road, and b) the internet at this campground is the slowest I think I have ever used so I am just now getting it up and running, and oh yeah, my kid just went to bed. 5 minutes ago. At 10:30 at night. Yeah, that's a problem.

This has been one long, long day for this road trippin' family. It started out fine - we actually got on the road only about 15 minutes behind schedule, which for a family that includes a 3 year old is a flipping miracle in my book. We got the RV packed in record time, and Pat made sure to put a blanket down for Buddy so that, you know, he didn't get the carpet dirty with his fur and whatnot...uh, was he on the same camping trip that I was the past week? Because I'm pretty sure that a little dog fur is the least gross thing that's happened to our carpet in this vehicle this week. Good god. After saying goodbye to Rod and Vic (and stealing a bunch of their leftover pizza from last night, which is now gone - thanks guys!), we headed east on a two lane, hilly road with no shoulder whatsoever. Not a road you would want to drive on in the dark given the amount of wildlife in Montana, let's just put it that way. Pat did a good job driving and eventually we got to a real, live interstate where we could drive more than 60 mph. We had a picnic lunch at a rest stop and Olivia made me walk around the whole dang thing looking for her "friends" - I think she really misses all of her little kiddo friends back home! It was cute.

After many, many more hours on the road - that included me doing lunges and marching in place in the RV because I was so bored - we finally made it to Jamestown, ND, our respite for the night. My first impression of this campground was that it was pretty nice...after all, there was a cute little playground right when we pulled up. After about 5 minutes, though, I discovered that this is a place I never want to come again: no toilet paper in the women's restroom, the laundromat locks you out at 9 p.m. (and charges you $1.75 per washer load AND dryer load! Highway robbery!), it's about 10 feet from the interstate and apparently the people who stay smoke pot at their picnic tables. Sweet. Olivia apparently likes it here, though, because she stayed up until 10:30 pm after throwing multiple temper tantrums over wanting a snack (but, of course, not the raisins, crackers, or peanut butter I offered her...ice cream or candy only, please!), wanting to pet Ally, and any other excuse in the book she could come up with for getting out of her bed. I did let her get out when I noticed something on her face when I went in to check on her that looked a little like ketchup, but she didn't have any today. And then I realized it was blood. From her mouth. Fortunately it wasn't anything major, since it wasn't even bleeding anymore by the time I got to her. But I did have a little twinge of mom guilt that I hadn't prevented it from happening.

Other fun things that happened: Pat realized he had left some piece of hardware he needs to drain the water out of our tank at the last campsite; we listened to 'A Prairie Home Companion' for about 3 hours straight (if Garrison Keillor's voice doesn't put you to sleep, I don't know what will); and we can now add wine to the list of liquids that is embedded in our carpeting after Ally knocked an entire glass of it over while trying to get Olivia's leftover hot dog. I think tomorrow I  am going to dump an entire bottle of shampoo on the floor so I can say I left my mark too in this thing too.

I would post some pictures, but the internet here is waaaay too slow to wait for that tonight, so I will just post some extras tomorrow. Good night!